Borderline Personality Cleaning

Without a doubt, the best thing that has happened to me since I moved to Australia is finding my apartment. I panic move and have ended up in some horrible places in the past and I've also been homeless twice. Because of my history with eating disorders, I find it difficult to cook in any kind of communal kitchen and often live off of takeaways when I'm not able to cook my food alone. My apartment is tiny, but it has a self-contained kitchen and bathroom, meaning that although it's not very big, it's more than big enough for me. 

The problem with having a small apartment is that any type of mess makes the place look like a tornado has torn through it. Dishes in the sink become mountains of food-encrusted crockery. A pile of clothes on a chair becomes an 18th-century washerwoman's to-do list. A dirty floor turns into a dessert. If I let my place get even the slightest bit messy, then it becomes an uncomfortable place to live. 

This sends me into a bit of a catch-22 situation. When my BPD is bad and my mood is low, I don't want to clean, meaning my home becomes very dirty. This buildup of dirt makes me feel worse and makes my mood tank even further so I'm unable to clean. It's only by keeping up with a regular cleaning rhythm that I'm able to feel calm, but this balance can be difficult to find. 

When my BPD turns obsessive, I often turn to cleaning. I once spent four hours cleaning my floor with bleach and a ruler, and I often spend hours scrubbing each tile in the room. This then inevitably leads to burnout and prevents me from being able to do anything else. It also tends to end in the consumption of multiple bottles of wine, passing out in bed filled with regret and another wasted day. I'm implementing a no-drinking on a school night rule, and so wine-fuelled cleaning wasn't an option today. 

Instead, I decided to map out my room and dedicate a number to each area that needed cleaning. From the kitchen sink to the bookcase, the shoe rack to the wardrobe, every area that needed cleaning was assigned a number, and I used Google to generate a number to tell me which part of my home needed cleaning next. I'll admit, there were times I tried to skip a task, but I forced myself to do the bits that I didn't want to. Cleaning the shower for instance is a particular hatred of mine, purely because I have no idea how to clear off soap scum, but I pushed through my procrastination and managed to return my home to it's shiny status. 

There aren't many areas of my BPD that I feel I have "hacked". I still have a crippling fear of abandonment and rejection and I often obsess over insignificant moments for hours and hours. The system I came up with today is a little different. It's by no means a life-changing discovery for the majority of people, but if it stops me from feeling like I'm living in the back end of a landfill, it's good enough for me. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess