I always say that I'd trade anything in the world in exchange for having not been raped. But that's not true. Never in a million years would I trade my voice for anything. I'm a singer, I've always been a singer and I always will be a singer. When I'm singing every molecule of insecurity fades away. I don't need to be shy, I don't need to be insecure. I'm good. I know I'm good, and there's nothing anyone could say to make me think otherwise.
When I was younger I started amateur dramatic performances thanks to a woman that aggressively bullied me. She made my life a living hell at times but the one thing we had in common was that we were performers. Me a singer, her a dancer and a singer. It started off with a read through of The King and I and we continued to perform together until a fun performance of Oklahoma towards the end of high school. Performinng on stage brings a buzz like nothing I've ever felt before. Singing with lights shining in my face and a full audience will always be one of my favourite things, but I haven't done it in a while.
Last year I signed up for an audition to Mary Poppins and didn't get a part. I can't blame them, I can't dance for shit. I fall over stood still on flat ground so anything that requires any form of movement tends to be a no go. My vocal audition was perfect, a quick rendition of I Dreamed a Dream from Les Miserable always goes down well and shows off my vocal abilities. They asked why I didn't go for a part and had me read some lines but ultimately saw my lack of coordination and decided to choose someone else.
I can't say I blame them.
Next month I have an audition for The Rocky Horror Picture show and I can. Not.Wait. There's something about auditioning that I now love even if I don't succeed. I get to perform for an actual audience, no matter how small. The confidence it gives when I feel their engagement is second to no other. The high is indescribable.
One of the best ways I find to get into character for a song is to connect it with a specific memory. When I sing I Dreamed a Dream I think of my good friend Matt who died in a car accident ten years ago. When I sing Roxanne from Moulin Rouge I think of my mother and how she allows her boyfriend to treat her. When I sing As Long as he Needs Me from Oliver I think of River and how I loved him even though he hit me. Mary J Blige's No More Drama soothed my addiction. By associating songs with feelings and experiences I've had in the past I tap into something that not everyone can. Quite often I end up crying but, as I said to a friend the other day, is it really a rehearsal if you don't end up in tears.
Admittedly there was a time when I was insecure about my voice. As a female alto I often felt that I lacked talent because there were high notes I couldn't reach. Then I realised that my talent and ability as an alto was just as valid as that of a soprano. Every singer is different, and that's the beauty of vocal range.
I'll always be kind of bummed that I'm not a tenor though.
Stay safe on the road
Jess
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