Borderline eyes and puddle ducks

When I meet someone, such as my sailor, I automatically assume that my BPD is going to scare them off. I'll either do something wrong, say something wrong, or they'll just decide they don't want to be with someone with my condition. Naturally, I assumed that he'd think the same, but the more I've gotten to know him, the more I realize that this isn't going to happen. 

When I first started dating post-diagnosis, I told people not to research my condition. This was ten years ago, and information about BPD was even more scarce than it is. Now, there are at least some educational videos about what living with my condition was like, back then, it was just articles about how to "recover" from being with someone with BPD. It sucked reading these, and it was easier for me just to tell people not to than have them assume that I was the big monster the internet was telling them I was. 

Once I realized that my sailor wasn't going to abandon me just because I'm sick, I said something to myself that I've never said before. I'm used to people telling me that if someone is the right person, they will understand, but my thought process has now changed. If they're the right person, they won't just understand, they will make the effort to learn. 

Now, I'm not saying he has to scour the internet to find resources that explain that I'm not going to leave his life in shambles and that he'll need therapy to recover from being with me. For one thing he's currently on a boat with limited wifi, and for another, it's difficult to know what to look for. If I don't know what's going to be helpful and I'm the one living with this piece of shit disease, how is someone who's never encountered it meant to do?

I've never found a useful video until now, and strangely, it involves ducks. The channel is called Diplomaduck, and the video is called BPD Explained by Ducks. It's actually a perfect description of my condition and the channel covers everything from BPD and Capitalism to ADHD and the American history. It's incredibly varied, and I've only really watched one of the video,s but it's really helped. Yes, I would like it if it covered more of the mental health conditions that the good lord blessed me with, but with PTSD, BPD, and Anxiety covered, I've got a lot to work with. Self-harm and EDNOS descriptions can wait. 

I've watched this video an obnoxious amount of times and sent it to pretty much everyone I know, including my sailor. 

Another thing I've tried to teach him about is BPD eyes. I found an article on the Grouport Therapy website and it was actually pretty helpful. Also referred to as the BPD stare, not everyone who lives with the condition gets these, but I do. I zone out, my eyes are empty, and although you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours...I simply am not there.  

I sent him an article about this partly because it will explain why I sometimes look like I've been neutralized by Will Smith, and partly because I found an article about it. I'm not going to bombard him with every piece of information I find. That would be overwhelming even for me, and not everything is helpful. But if I can help someone I care about learn a little bit more about me without worrying that I'll scare them away, that's good enough for me.

Stay safe on the road, my beautiful borderlines. 

J