Dos and Don'ts

Last night I heard my neighbour railing two twinks, separately, within the space of 90 minutes. How do I know he railed two twinks? Because one turned up, opened the door, and uttered the phrase, "I'm your honey baby." The other, I just assumed was a twink because of the sound he made when he came, but I could be wrong. 

Hookup culture is iconic. 

This got me thinking about the things I do and don't know about this man. I know he's into dick, I know he's a top, and I know he likes twinks. What I don't know is his name. 

This then spiralled me into thinking about dos and don'ts in general. What things need to, or don't need to happen in my life for me to be happy.

Yes, a very tenuous link, but that's how my brain works, so let's just run with it. 

So without further ado, here is my list of things I do and don't need. 

Do

I need to stop self-harming. As much as it's my favourite thing to do, there's no denying that it is really, really bad for me. I started when I was 1,3 and ever since it's been a way of dealing with my feelings. Fight with mum? Cut. Bad day at work? Cut. Rejection or feeling like a failure? Cut. It's been doing it for over 20  years now. It's definitely going to be difficult to find another way of feeling better, but I need I to find a way of dealing with my feelings without causing bruising, bleeding or burns.

Don't

A couple of months ago, my doctor and I put together a mental health plan. I was all for this until I received their reply. First of all was the cost, I simply do not have that kind of coin, and second of all, I know what my issues are. Self-harming aside, I do not need to spend $175 an hour to be told my issues are with my mother. I'd much rather use my own methods of dealing with her shit, such as working out, than spending half my rent on being told something I already know.

Do

I need to have a job. I've recently found employment after quitting my last place, and the difference in how I feel about myself is immediately noticeable. It's not just about the money, although that is a big part of it. The most important thing is that I have a specific purpose and reason to leave the house. It's easy to fester when you're unemployed, and all this does is make me internalize the negativity I already feel about myself. When I'm working, I feel confident and worthy, and finding work is a straightforward way of addressing and nurturing my self-esteem. 

Don't

When I went out for my friend's birthday on Saturday, our friend Eve was there. Eve is lovely, beautiful and on her way to becoming a lawyer. She's also ten years younger than me. When a mutual friend asked her how old she was, she assumed she was older because she had a "grown-up job", and I used to think that's what I needed as well.

For years, I thought that I needed an office job in order to be successful. That I needed to work 9-5, 40 hours a week, to feel confident. Now I realize this simply isn't true. For Eve, working as a lawyer is amazing and a great achievement, but it's just not what I want. It's going to take a while to get out of the more hours at work=more success mindset, but as long as I'm paying my bills and enjoying my life, I don't care what I do. 

Stay safe on the road 

J