Trust

The good Lord has blessed me with many things. A great voice, an ass carved by angels and the ability to pick things up with my toes. Sadly, he also blessed me with trust issues that run so deep the guy from 127 Hours would feel uncomfortable spelunking in them. 

It's mostly because of my condition and subsequent agonizing fear of abandonment, but there are other situations where I find it hard to trust people, too. Employment is one of them. My old boss had complete control over whether or not I could pay my rent, and I didn't trust her not to punish me by cutting my hours. Partly because I've known it to happen with other jobs, and partly because she'd done it to me before. 

The current trust issue that is dancing around in my beautiful borderline brain is learning to trust the person I like. Not as in trusting his character, we're not actually a couple and even if he was going to fool around with anyone else, he's straight and currently living on a boat with 5 other men, so I don't think anything's going to come of that. 

Allllthough a girl might dream.

The thing I'm struggling with is trusting that he won't "go off" me, change his mind and not want to see me when he gets back or be scared off by my condition. I have absolutely no control over any of these things, but my compulsive over-texting isn't helping. It's so petty, but being left on read makes me feel like shit and the person who developed the "read" feature across social media should be cursed with an uncontrollable bout of the poops whilst stuck on the underground during rush hour. I hate feeling this way. It's childish, it's pointless, and it drives me fucking mad. 

The guy is also on a boat. I'm not overly sure how good the wifi is.

Learning to trust him is a big deal for me. Not because I think he might hit me the way River did, scream at me the way Dan did or use me to cheat on his pregnant girlfriend the way Jerren did. Although if I went two for two on consecutive relationships with that one, I'd be impressed.  

To be fair, he was roughly the fourth person to cheat on their pregnant partner with me. I think once you get passed two, that says more about me than anything else. But I digress. 

Trusting that someone not only likes me but will continue to have feelings for me despite my condition is a whole new thing for me. I really like this guy, and I'm so scared of his feelings for me changing. Of him not liking me anymore. But is that because of my own insecurity? Or because my own feelings change so quickly that I assume other people's will too. 

This is why I write, second to dancing to techno, it's the only sure-fire way of anything in my head ever making sense. 

The techno comes in October. 

Stay safe on the road

J