White Knuckle

I was supposed to go to my second AA meeting last Tuesday, I needed to go to my second AA meeting on Tuesday. But thanks to a particularly hideous bout of heat stroke I spent most of my day sweating, shaking and throwing up in the dark. It wasn't the greatest of days. 

The reason I needed to go so badly was that, for some reason, I thought I'd be able to white-knuckle my journey into sobriety without any support. Going to a meeting is one thing, but without support during the week, I was almost setting myself up for failure. I thought I could do it alone when this really wasn't the case. 

I did well between Tuesday and Sunday. I only had half a beer and was able to put it down, leave the pub and not be tempted to go back. Monday was different though. I'm under a lot of stress this week and all I could think about was having a drink. I eventually caved and ended up 10 drinks deep, crying to my boyfriend that I didn't want him to leave. It wasn't the most dignified of days. 

If I hadn't been out drinking on Monday, I wouldn't have gotten heat stroke and would have been able to attend a meeting Tuesday morning like I needed to. I felt stupid for drinking after making it 6 days but without support, it was almost impossible for me to make it through the whole week. I had no one to turn to when I couldn't get alcohol off of my mind.

I sent a message to the leader of the meeting saying I wouldn't be able to tend and he told me that I could always reach out. Because reaching out for help is better than reaching for a drink. The thing is, I suck at asking for help. I always have done. Yes being with my boyfriend has changed that and I'm slowly learning to open up and be honest about my feelings, but that isn't translating to every area of my life. 

I'm trying not to feel bad about having drunk on Monday. I'm not considering it to be a "relapse". Making the decision to stay sober is more important than slipping for a day, and I don't feel like I'm starting over. Everyone's journey towards sobriety is different, and I can't compare myself to other people. 

I'm very lucky in that, unlike my cocaine addiction, I'm not physically dependent on alcohol. I don't experience any forms of withdrawal other than mental withdrawal and an all-consuming focus on alcohol. I'm also lucky in that I can identify what my problem with alcohol is. I don't need to drink every day, I can stay away and put a glass of beer down. What I do struggle with is binge drinking, and I need to work out why this is as I move forward. While I'm doing that I'm going to focus on my reasons for staying sober. What I will gain when I learn to put down the bottle, and how much better my life is going to be as I move forward. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess