It's not that I don't want to write today. It's that I don't know what to write about. This week has been very draining, and long. I'm making progress on my sobriety and my writing but I'm still struggling with feelings of self-hatred, and I'm not really sure why.
Part of it is how I feel about my body. People have been commenting that I've lost weight, which makes me want to lose more weight. I've always struggled with the scales, which is why I don't own them. But when I found out my weight after not weighing myself for years when I was at the hospital I felt miserable and insecure. I know that part of my problem is comparing myself to how much I weighed when I was at the height of my eating disorder or addiction, a headspace I never want to return to, but deep down the desire to be thin is still there.
This is also exacerbated by my mother's eating disorder, which was the main cause of mine. I'll talk about the origins of my eating problems in another post, but there has always been competition and jealousy between me and my mother when it comes to our weight. Now she's relapsed and is at the thinnest I've seen her in years, I can't help asking myself why she gets to be thin and I don't.
Another part of it is that the parole hearing for the man that raped me has been scheduled for next month. I'm not planning on it going ahead, it has been repeatedly rescheduled since 2022. However, the fact that it's been scheduled countless times and has been hanging over my head since 2021 is very draining. This man has been clouding my life since I was 22, I need this to stop now.
On the off chance that is does go ahead next month, there is another problem. I'll be alone. My boyfriend doesn't get back until the following week and I want him to be here with me. I'm tired of trying to be understanding about our current situation, I will always be my priority. I know his ex-girlfriend needs him right now and so do his children. But I need him too and I want him here to support me.
On the subject of his ex-girlfriend, she now knows I exist. Isn't that what you wanted? I hear you ask. Yes, that's exactly what I wanted. But I wanted her to know we were a couple. I didn't want him to tell her we were "hanging out" and that we "have dinner often". If anything I think this hurt more than when she didn't know. It's starting to get to me more and more now. Why is he ashamed of me? Why is he keeping me a secret? My insecurities are closing in and all I can think of is Dan Levy's line from the 2020 movie Happiest Season "You deserve someone who shouts their love for you from the rooftops". I really do, and I don't want to feel like he's hiding me anymore.
I've also had Dirty Little Secret by the All American Rejects playing on a loop in my head for the past 3 weeks.
I also accidentally led to someone getting fired last night. The person I was on shift with told me he had another job to go to so I told him to go. His clocking off left me on shift on my own and we were incredibly busy. This wouldn't have been a problem, people can fucking wait, but my boss was there having a drink and he stuck his ore in. After finding out he left to go to his next job he was promptly fired, but my boss got snarky with me for telling him to leave. I can't control if someone is unable to manage their time properly, he shouldn't have agreed to work a shift if he had to be somewhere else. He even told me he assumed it would be quiet. I also can't control whether or not someone gets fired, I'm just a duty manager after all, but even though my assistant manager told me not to worry about what my boss was saying, I still feel like I fucked up.
Although losing him wasn't the worst thing in the world, he was pretty fucking shit at his job. He also has three others so I'm 99% sure he'll be okay.
My friend also owes me $200 and I'm on my period so that's not helping either.
There we have it, my thoughts for the day. Not the happiest but I've got 6 hours before my shift starts so hopefully I can perk up before then.
Stay safe on the road
Jess
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