Lucky

I'm currently, and most of all ironically,y balls deep in the show adaptation of Invisible Boys by Holden Sheppard. I'll go into depth about my feelings about the show/book later, but it's got me thinking about my own sexuality. 

I'm bisexual. I will always be bisexual and, looking back, I've always been bisexual. When I was in infant school I would purposefully move myself in assembly so I could look at a girl in the year above and I once wrote a story about a girl I knew because I thought she was so amazing. I didn't quite realize or understand I was into women until I was in my early twenties, but staring at my friend Tilly while completely sober, desperately wanting to kiss her, made me realize that heterosexuality just wasn't for me. 

I didn't tell my parents or family until covid. I was living off of vodka and cocaine and, during a particularly upsetting week, glue and I sent them a message coming out to them. Before that, I told my mum when I lived in the squat, and she had the exact reaction that I thought she would. 

She decided it was now time for us to bond over my love life, that our relationship would suddenly change and we'd gossip about the guys and girls I was dating. I shut this down immediately. 

As I have previously mentioned, my mum's boyfriend is a total dick. I told him during my cocaine and glue sniffing phase and told me to "not let it define me". This man is a drugs and sexual health worker by the way. I didn't even bother to reply. I define who I am, not my taste in genitals. My aunty was lovely about it and my dad didn't even reply. He's a simple fellow, we don't talk much. 

Other than that no one has really mentioned it. Other than my brother I don't talk to my family about personal things and I'm not overly close to my dad. I talk to my mum pretty much every day but that's because we've moved past the screaming at each other phase and onto my constant need for her to pay attention to me. We catch up on what's going on back home, she tells me about my family and I purposefully avoid any conversation about her fuckwit of a life partner. 

Watching this show and thinking about films I've watched in the past, I've realized how lucky I am that my family reacted like this. I don't think it's because they don't care, but more that they're not bothered. As with most boomer families, homophobia can run rife at times. But if I ignore them and they pretty much ignore me. They never made a big deal of it, and I've never really thought about how other people may have had different experiences. 

I didn't necessarily want to be into women, no one wants to be different. But knowing I am has made my life a lot easier. For one thing, it makes me the perfect girlfriend, and for another, it prevents me from hiding who I am. Meeting me in person makes it very obvious that I'm not straight, and I know how privileged I am to not have to hide anything about myself. I know there are places in the world where my sexuality is illegal, but as long as I don't spend any time there, being bi is a pretty simple ride for me. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess