Reflections

I haven't written anything in a while, because things haven't been going so well. I made it 13 days without a drink and then drank for reasons I can't remember. Since then I've made it a maximum of 3 days in a row without a drink. 

Not quite the same. 

I've been making a lot of excuses. The parole review, the inevitable demise of my hideously dysfunctional relationship, problems at work and my "friend" absolutely trashing my apartment. I'm also back to feeling insecure about my writing career, but there's no escaping that one, I just have to keep writing and pushing myself to succeed. The rest of them are complete bullshit. 

The parole review actually went okay. He's staying put and not being paroled or moved to an open prison. As always, I kept this from my boss which led to me screwing up at work. I'm very open and honest about having been raped, but I'm also terrified of being fired. I have awful trust issues and know that I'm expendable at work. If I didn't turn up to my shift today I'd be replaced by tomorrow and I'm constantly worried that my hours will be cut and that I won't be able to afford to pay my bills and have to move back to England. As you can probably imagine, this isn't a good head space to be in.

The breakup was inevitable, but it still hurt. Turns out he'd been lying to both me and his ex-girlfriend. They didn't break up 9 months ago, they split on New Year's Eve. He never did tell her we were together, I was just someone he'd slept with once. I ended things the second I found out, but just because I was the one to pull the plug hasn't made it any easier. 

I want so badly to be loved. I want it more than anything. But this means I fall for people's crap over and over again. I actually defended how badly he treated me by saying he didn't hit or scream at me like my exes. According to his ex, he's pulled crap like this before, but this doesn't make me feel any better. I'm so tired of being someone's second choice, of people apologizing for hurting me and I've been hit with so many "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings" texts I could print them out and turn them into wallpaper. If he didn't want to hurt me he wouldn't have, plain and simple. 

I guess this is a sign that I need to keep my focus on my sobriety. It's actually advised that you don't enter into a relationship until you've been in recovery for at least a year. I don't know if I'm going to this rule, I don't want to cut off all chances of finding someone. But I'll need someone who doesn't lie to me or make excuses for hurting my feelings. 

Trusting someone with my feelings for the first time was hard and it's not something I'm going to be able to do again anytime soon. But as my fairy Glenn mother says, just because trusting someone didn't work out the first time, doesn't mean I won't be able to do it again. 

Preferably with someone who doesn't smoke meth. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess