Vulnerable

Being vulnerable is not something I like to do. It's not something I'm able to do. I'm strong, I've always been strong and I always will be strong. I was strong when my mum first got sick, I was strong when I was homeless and I was strong when I was raped. There was never any choice in the matter. We just isn't an option.

One of the significant factors in my current relationship was that I tried to be vulnerable with my boyfriend. To let my guard down. I wasn't good at doing it in person but I did my best to let him know how I was feeling and when I didn't feel good. I asked the questions I needed to ask even if I didn't necessarily want the answers. I showed a side of myself that I normally keep hidden and it was a very big learning curve for me. 

Now I'm waiting for him to return so I can break up with him I feel even more determined to not be vulnerable ever again. I feel foolish for letting him see a side of me that I like to keep hidden and I want to hide it away. To lock it away. To make sure no one ever sees me feeling this way again. To me, vulnerability is a weakness that I need to avoid at all costs and I feel like burying my feelings down even further than they were before. 

As is probably evident, I also suck at talking about my emotions. I'm English. We don't do the talking about our feelings thing and we never will. It's one of the many, many reasons I detest therapy. I don't like opening up to people at the best of times but opening up to someone who's paid to listen feels like a joke to me. To me, everyone is just pretending to care. No one is really interested in how I'm feeling and I refuse to let another person into my life that doesn't give a shit.

This relationship has made me feel foolish. I saw the red flags from the start and chose to ignore them as I've ignored every red flag in the past. He should have told the mother of his children about me the second we got together. But he didn't. He should have been there for me on the day of the hearing when I needed him so, so badly. But he wasn't. He said he wanted to be here to support me but, if he really did, he would have been there. 

I've always said that I hate getting close to people because, when they inevitably leave, the pain of them being gone is worse than the pain of being alone in the first place. I don't actually know if this is true this time around. I'll be happy when he's not there anymore, because I won't have to go back to being yet another person's second choice.

Stay safe on the road

Jess