Somehow

Fuck knows how but I managed to not self-harm on Wednesday. I got black-out drunk instead, which obviously wasn't great either, but we have to take our small victories. 

I'm not feeling great today. I've lost my focus and, as it is abundantly clear, I've been drinking again. I'm determined to go back to an AA meeting next week. I've been making a thousand reasons not to, but as the person I've been talking to to support me through my sobriety said, I'm only setting myself up for failure. 

I'm clearly in the "don't kid yourself" phase. 

The one day at a time thing is true though. I'm managing three days sober in a row at the moment but there's no way I can stay sober if I focus too far ahea. Putting pressure on myself never works and only leads to more self-destruction. 

I'm also really upset about my relationship. I know I need to break-up with my boyfriend when he gets back but having made my decision already doesn't make it any better. I'm not going to break up with him over the phone but I think, or I'm assuming, that he's in the same place mentally. Although he's finally told his ex-girlfriend about me it feels like too little too late. As I think I've said before, although I trust that they're not sleeping together, she's living in his dad's house and driving his car. They're still in some form of relationship whether he admits it or not. He told me he felt bad about our relationship because she was still pregnant and although he said he wanted to be here to support me on the day of the hearing, if he really wanted to be he would have been. I needed him and he wasn't here. He's there mowing her lawn, renovating her kitchen. I thought I was over letting myself someone's second choice, but somehow I've found myself in the same situation once again. I wanted this to work out so badly. So so badly. I trusted him with my feelings and was more honest with him than I've ever been with anyone I've dated before. But, the fact is, he kept me a secret and told me he felt bad about our relationship. And, as I've told myself over and over again, I deserve more than that. Telling myself and believing myself are two different things. But I'm hoping I'll get there one day.

I'm also over dating stoners.  

I don't want to listen to someone telling me I've done something wrong again. A friend told me the reason I talk to him is because I know he'll tell me the truth and that he's one of the only people that like me for who I am. Which was a real kick in the balls by the way. It's also not true, not the being the only person telling me the truth thing. People tell me I've fucked up and that I'm a bad person all the time. I grew up being made to feel like I'm a bad person, and I'm just not in the place right now where I can be told I've fucked up again. I also can not handle anyone telling me I told you so.

As you can probably tell, I'm a tad emotional today. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess