Excuses Excuses

 

Mondays are hard for me drinking-wise. I have the day off and I live opposite a bar and bottleshop so it's easy for me to run across the street and grab a bottle of wine. Staying sober is important to me every day, but I know that today will be difficult. 

Last week I tried to justify my day drinking by telling myself that if I only drink one day a week, that's okay. That it's better than drinking every day. That of course was just an excuse to tell myself that it was okay to drink. That it was okay to put away two bottles of wine when it obviously wasn't. 

The other excuse I made last week was when I went dancing on Saturday night. I love live music, it's the happiest I ever feel and I went to listen to the band that plays my bar. I started off by telling myself that I would only drink soda water. Then, when I left, I told myself I had to go back to the bar because I couldn't get an Uber home. Then I told myself that it was okay to have a drink because it was cheaper to buy a pint than have a soda water. The next day I told myself it was totally fine because I remembered most of what happened the night before and that I hadn't drank at my bar after work. 

You see the pattern here. 

This morning I joined a Zoom AA meeting that I really didn't connect with. I was finally ready to share and it just seemed to be one person talking. When someone else finally did chime in I still didn't feel able to connect. I was telling myself that by leaving I was making excuses, but on this occasion my thoughts were valid. I could have stayed in the meeting and I am determined to stop making excuses, but in this instance, I don't think I was. There is another meeting I can join in an hour that I feel I will be able to connect to more. I'm hoping I can connect to more. Although by leaving the meeting I was, technically, making an excuse in this instance I feel as if it was justified. 

In getting sober I am trying to differentiate between what my addict brain is saying and what my actual brain is saying. Everyone moves forward differently and trying to work out what is me lying to myself and what is actually good for me is going to be difficult to separate. I guess this is just part of my journey. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess