That ain't gonna make you happy now, did it make you happy then?
The Princess and the Frog is one of my Mum's favourite Disney movies. There's a bit at the end when Dotty is dancing with Prince Naveen's brother, Ralphie, who is six and a half. She says that she's waited long enough for her prince, so she might as well keep waiting for him to grow up and be with him.
Creepy, and ever so slightly Twilight Breaking Dawn, but cute in a Disney movie way.
It's one of my Mumma's favourites because a similar thing happened at my nan and grandad's wedding. My grandad and his brother have different dads, a big deal for the 40s/50s. At their wedding, all my Nan's friends kept saying my Grandad was really handsome and asked her if he had a brother. Nan had to tell them that yes, he did. But he was four.
I'm thinking about the movie this morning because of the song Dig a Little Deeper. I made the mistake of weighing myself the other day and automatically got sucked back into my obsession with losing weight. Thinking I should starve myself, basing my workouts on calories burned and googling how to order Ozempic online. I even spent a questionable amount of time looking for pro-anorexia websites, my source of inspiration when I was younger. Unfortunately, or fortunately, these don't really exist anymore, but it didn't stop me from looking.
At one of the highs of my addiction, I was 3 stone lighter than I am now. I would run out of work in the middle of the day to weigh myself and lived on a steady diet of coffee and cocaine. Kate Moss would have been proud of me, but I wasn't. Even at my thinnest, I still wasn't thin enough. For some reason, in my teen years, I convinced myself that I needed to weigh 120lbs, partly due to Bridget Jones' Diary and partly due to Lyndsey Lohan for some reason. Despite the fact that other than Mean Girls and The Parent Trap, I've never been much of a fan of.
And when she got put on tag and Chanel created an entire line of ankle bags inspired by her, which was fucking iconic.
I never reached this exact goal weight; I was always a pound or two off, but when I was as close as could be, I still wasn't thin enough. Even when I essentially had what I wanted, I still wasn't happy.
Regardless of how far down the rabbit hole of my eating disorder I may return throughout my life, I'm never going to be truly happy if I lose that much weight again. There's no such thing as "thin" for me. I wasn't happy at that weight, so what's the point in trying to reach that unhealthy goal again?
The same thing can be said for my job. I'm struggling at the moment and spent a good half an hour the other day crying in bed, cuddling Hastings Bear. I didn't quite cry myself to sleep, but I was pretty damn close. I need a break from hospitality. Bar work in general is quite draining, but being classed as a casual worker only makes it worse. My boss can fire me at any moment, and she has control over whether or not I can pay my bills each week, by the number of hours she gives me.
I had a job that was going to sponsor me for my permanent residency, and I lost it. I had initially reached out to marketing companies to look for writing jobs, and after extensive correspondence and a lot of waiting, I was finally offered a job as a personal assistant. I didn't want to be a personal assistant. I'm not a personal assistant, but I was determined to find a job that would allow me to stay in Australia long term. I'm a writer, I've always been a writer, and I will always be a writer. Entering into a career path that didn't make me happy was never going to make me happy, regardless of whether they sponsored me or not. And three years is a long time to not be doing what you want. As Charlotte said in the Sex and the City movie when she revealed she was pregnant, nobody gets everything they want, and this is true. But I'm allowed to have some of the things that I want. I've worked this hard for this long, and I don't plan on stopping any time soon.
Although unlike Charlotte, I haven't shit myself this year. And that's always a bonus.
Stay safe on the road
Jess
xXx
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