Procrastination

I give up too easily. I procrastinate, quit, and don't put nearly as much effort into the things that are important to me as I should. My writing is a good example of this. No one reads my writing, other than a friend I met in Toronto which came as a huge surprise to me, and so I often see no point in doing it. 

This is also the case with applying for writing jobs. I tell myself there aren't any, that there's no point in me sending any applications off, and I hit a wall when it comes to writing cover letters. There really is nothing that confuses me more than the idea of writing to someone to ask them to let you write for them. It's kind of like washing your hair only to blow dry it. Frustrating, demoralizing and time-consuming. 

As I said, procrastination is also a problem of mine, especially with writing jobs. At 33 I feel like I'm too old to be the writer that I want to be now, even though that's not even remotely true. If 33 is too old do you what I want with my life and my nan died at 94, what the fuck am I meant to do with the next 61 years? I can't stay as a bartender, my bones won't make it that long. 

I once read a tweet that described a woman asking her mum if she was too old to go back to University, only for her mum to tell her that she'd be four years older in the time it would take her to do her degree regardless of what she decided to do with the time. We never get younger, however much it may upset us, and so there's no point in wasting the time ahead of me because I feel like I'm too old. 

At the start of the year, I did well to write every day, producing and posting content each morning and even going so far as to promote it on social media, which I never do. Not only do I often not see the point in writing if no one is going to read what I have to say, but I don't see the point in promoting it either. Ridiculous I know. How am I meant to reach people with my writing if no one knows that I have written anything? But my brain gets stuck in this cycle of negativity. 

I do love what I do, I'm a great bartender, but I can't stay in hospitality for the rest of my life. I'd like to work in the industry alongside writing, but I can't be a bartender forever. Especially not in the place where I currently work. There is no opportunity for growth or promotion there and certain members of staff of very toxic. Still desperately begging for hours the same way I was when I was 17 doesn't help either. I feel like a failure, and despite all of my achievements I primarily focus on the bad. An inferiority complex my mum once called it. Slightly offensive but undoubtedly true. 

It's very important to get out of this mindset I know, and it's also important for me to focus on my life outside of work. Bartending might (almost) pay the bills but I don't want it to become my entire identity. I see this happening with people I work with and it's very sad to see. Going to the gym and not drinking at work on my time off is helping, but I need to add to the list of things that make me happy outside of the bar. Taking into account the average amount of hours I work and sleep I have 82 hours a week to fill with things that make me happy, and writing is one of those things. 

As of tomorrow, I'm going to go back to writing every day. I have a lot of ideas for posts, articles and pieces that have been bouncing around in my head for a while. No one else is going to put these words onto paper for me, so it's time I stopped wasting my time and did it myself. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess

xXx