13 years

I met Mark 13 years ago. Normally, I give people pseudonyms when I write about them, but given how I'm feeling about him at the moment, people knowing his name is the least of my concerns. We worked at a call centre together selling solar panels in England, which is as unpleasant as it sounds, and we became friends when he became my boss. 

The first time we hung out just us was over lunch together. We had a really odd conversation where he said his wife was mad at him because she'd asked if he thought they would be together forever, and he said no. When I first heard this, I was on his side. I mean, if you ask an uncomfortable question, you risk getting an uncomfortable answer. It wasn't until I found out she was 8 months pregnant at the time that I thought that maybe she had a right to be a tad upset. 

Incidentally, I only found out she was pregnant when I saw the ultrasound photo on his cubicle. He never mentioned it. I had a similar incident with my friend the other day, who didn't mention he was having a baby until just before he got the subway home. We met up twice in Toronto and had been together for an hour by that point. It was the most heterosexual male thing of all time. 

We were both in relationships when we met, but we started sleeping together when I was with my ex. I don't know when he broke up with his daughter's mum, but thankfully, I've never had to interact with either of them, so it's not something that comes up in conversation very much. We were sleeping together long after my ex and I broke up, and it seemed casual at first. Then it got past the 11-month mark and my friend found me walking around my house wearing a shirt he'd left at my house, and I realized we'd gone a few steps past casual. A threesome based incident that ended in jealousy confirmed that things weren't as relaxed as we first thought, but we never really spoke about it. I have cripplingly low self-esteem when it comes to relationships, and I was in complete denial about how I felt so I never said a word. Life would have been a lot easier if I had. 

Although we stopped sleeping together naturally after I moved away, we kept in touch and spoke pretty regularly. By this point, I'd finally realized how I felt about him, but it felt pointless to mention given the distance. It wasn't until this year that I finally told him, and I got the response that every woman dreams of. 

"There was a time when I thought I could"

Side note, the last man to tell me he loved me was a guy called Maggot. Given my past experiences, I'm okay with this. 

Eventually, I hit my wall and messaged him a few weeks ago, asking him to let me go. I can't be in a relationship when I'm in love with someone else, and given that he told me he didn't love me, I thought the best thing was for me to move on. He apologized but we carried on talking and the weekend I was in New York, I messaged him saying that if he told me he loved me then and there, we could make it work. 

He said he didn't love me, and I was content to move on. 

Fast forward to a week later, when I was met with a joyous message telling me he could definitely love me if we were together. First of all, the words definitely and could do not go together and second of all, what the living fuck?

When I, understandably, asked where this came from, he said quite simply that the distance made it impossible. Which is valid. We started talking again, and he told me he wanted me there so he could fall in love with me. 

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I told him that there was a chance I may spend some time back in England next year, and if we feel the same in a year and we're in the same place, we can give it a go. If we make it 14 years, we might as well give it a shot, but that's dependent on a lot of things. 

As you can probably imagine, I had a lot of issues with this. Where was this 13 years ago? Where were these feelings when we were in the same place? Admittedly, I didn't tell him either, but that's because I have hideously low self-esteem and assumed he didn't feel the same, but then he could have told me. It's not just up to me. 

Also, what changed in the space of a week? How did he go from telling me he didn't love me to telling me he definitely could? 

I'm a hopeless romantic, and I feel like there is a reason we've stayed in each other's lives so long. I can see myself being with him, but only if he can be okay with the way I live my life. I don't know if I'm going to be in Australia long term but I know that I want to travel where I can. He has a daughter, I could never ask him to come travelling with me and, more to the point, I don't want him to. I travel alone and I like it this way.

Also, stepmother is not a role I'd be any good at. I've made it this long without meeting Dililah and I think everyone involved would like it to stay this way. 

I love this man and, apparently, he loves me in some way. But I also love my life, and there's no way I'm giving this up anytime soon. 

Stay safe on the road 

J