Caring

Today my boyfriend leaves Darwin for 4 weeks while his ex-girlfriend has his baby. 

My issue with him travelling across the country to have a baby with another woman is that she doesn't know about me. I've been getting angry, pushing back and altogether making things about me (strange I know) when he's the one about to have a new baby. 

At first, I thought it was because I thought they were going to get back together. This thought was fleeting. If anything was going to make them give their relationship another go it would be having another baby.  Also, they sleep together because you aren't allowed to have sex until 6 weeks after having a baby. 

I just googled it to confirm that it was the same for C-sections. It is. Don't judge me. 

Then I thought it was because I was afraid he was ashamed of me. I've had multiple times where people I've been have wanted to keep me a secret or just pretended I don't exist. My mum's brother-in-law doesn't write my name on his Christmas cards and it's never even been mentioned to him. A guy in high school told me to not tell his friends he liked me. I even had a guy tell me not to tell someone we slept together while he was inside me. Even though this was over a decade ago it still reminds me that at certain parts of my life, people have wanted to keep me hidden. 

This morning I have realised that it's neither of those things. 

I'm worried he'll forget about me and not want to be with me when he gets back. 

Unsurprisingly, as a result of my BPD, I have an all-consuming and painful fear of abandonment. I'm terrified of people leaving me even if I know they're not good for me. This is why I spend so much time in shitty relationships. But now I'm in a functional relationship.

Yes, I am aware that it's a little odd that my definition of a functional relationship involves my boyfriend having a baby with another woman. But for me this is good. 

Anyway, I'm realising that how I'm feeling has nothing to do with him and really is all about me after all. I completely trust him, but my self-esteem is so low that I believe that a month spent away from me will cause him to forget about me. To stop loving me. And this just isn't the case. 

I am so used to volatile and abusive relationships that I find it impossible to believe that I could ever be in anything even remotely resembling a healthy one. To me, healthy is what scares me. In the same way that my journey away from addiction is making me afraid of existing, I'm afraid of being in a safe and secure relationship. I miss the chaos every day and consider my life to be incredibly boring without it, but I know that it being gone is a good thing. 

I don't have to rely on volatility anymore. I can finally relax. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess