Financial fear

I get paid every Tuesday, and it absolutely terrifies me. A ridiculous thing to be afraid of, but it's fear that is still there. 

It's still there because I'm so used to not having money. I currently have less than $15 in my bank account and that's very relaxing for me. I'm used to it not being there, so when it is I don't know how to react. 

This has a lot to do with the fact that I feel as if I don't deserve to have money. I have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on drugs over the past 13 years and I have nearly $2,000 of credit card debt. Not a huge amount when you consider other people's credit card debts, but a big chunk of change all the same. 

Another issue with this fear is that I have limited access to this credit card account. It's a UK account and I can only access it by getting an authorization code sent to my mum's phone number. A phone number I can only send details to when she's awake and she lives in England. This puts the financial power in my mum's hands. She's been paying the minimum payments of my credit card for a long time and, even though I have no access to the card, the balance still doesn't seem to be coming down. 

I want to deal with it myself, but technology makes it difficult. 

This is a very easy problem to fix but because the balance of my credit card is so high and I have to contact my mum to get around this issue I feel ashamed. Once again if my credit card gets paid I technically have money and that's what I'm afraid of. 

It's a very strange and irritating cycle to be in. I'll work it out eventually. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess 

*UPDATE* Since I wrote this I've contacted my credit card company, changed the access details so I no-longer need to contact my mum to open my account details and set up a monthly direct debit that will have my debt payed off by June. Not as difficult as I thought it would be once I got down to it.