Lies I've told myself

I always say I don't lie to others, mostly because I can't. I'm a terrible liar. Any time I try to lie it's completely unbelievable and so at this point I've just stopped trying. Sadly, this makes me liable to believe other people's lies, but it's easier for me to just be honest.

Doesn't always work out well, but I have the right intentions. 

Thing is though, I've noticed that over the years I've been lying to myself. Telling myself that I'm safe, happy and healthy when really I'm talking utter nonsense. So here's a list of the lies I've told myself to convince myself I'm okay. 

I'm not an addict. 

This is a classic one. For years I convinced myself that I didn't have a problem with drugs and alcohol. I went to my first AA meeting this week and I've recognised that I've been a cocaine addict over the past few years. I told myself I didn't have a problem with drugs or alcohol, telling myself that I could put it down and walk away and that my addictions weren't taking over my life. It wasn't attending my AA meeting that finally made me admit I had a problem with drinking, but instead being tired of my own shit. 

He loves me 

My ex used to beat the shit out of me. I loved him so much and wanted so badly to be with him but when he drank he would hit me. Obviously, he denied it, saying he didn't remember or that it wasn't an issue. The first time he attacked me was my 29th birthday and I spent the next day looking after him because he had a fever. Even my drug dealer, who was also a pimp, told me I didn't deserve it. When a pimp is telling you you're being treated badly you know things are bad. 

Even after we'd broken up I convinced myself he loved me. I remember crying, staring at myself in the mirror and telling myself that even though he insulted and hit me, he still loved me. News flash Jessica, the people who love you don't hit you. 

I'm happy

In all fairness, this did evolve into "I love you, but I'm not happy" but at first I told myself I was happy. I was in two back-to-back abusive relationships and even though my most recent ex didn't hit me, the constant insults, shouting and screaming wore me down. I told him I'd missed him once and he told me he felt like I was obsessed with him and that he didn't find that attractive. He got drunk and peed in our bed one night and called me a cunt. I told myself over and over that I was happy in that relationship, mostly because I wanted other people to believe it too, but looking back his constant insults, shouting and screaming was worse than being hit. Towards the end I think I was only trying to convince myself I was happy because we lived together. I had nowhere else to go. 

Incidentally, he ended up breaking up with me and I had to move out but that's beside the point. 

We're not a couple

I am the queen of situationships, and once ended up in one that lasted about 3 and a half years. We met on Tinder and by our third date he'd told me he just wanted something casual. It sucked at first but I was in my early twenties and casual dating for millennials was in vogue. It was to be expected. 

What wasn't expected was that I'd spend all my time there, sleep over whenever I could and take him to a dinner party. I went with him to his friends' houses on more than one occasion. This went on for an ungodly amount of time. We repeatedly said we were just friends and I constantly told myself and people around me that we weren't a couple. It only ended when he got a girlfriend. 

Not the worse thing, because it had to end eventually. But it's been 8 years and I still have no idea who his friends thought I was. Who takes their fuck buddy with them to social events? 

Stay safe on the road

Jess