AA

This week I went to my first AA meeting, and I'm honestly not sure how I feel about it. 

Obviously, I was late. I actually left my apartment on time but my sense of direction combined with the fact that my phone is from the post office meant that I snuck in at 12:30, instead of the indicated start time of 12:00pm. Luckily, no one cared. 

I was more impressed that I made it there at all. I was in an incredibly self-destructive mood that morning and just wanted to spend my afternoon self-harming or asleep. 

I thought that as long as I left the house that would be enough. Then I thought, as long as I find the building it would be enough. Right up until I found the entrance to the meeting room I was telling myself the efforts I'd made so far had been enough and I could go home. I nearly turned around and left after trying the wrong entrance, but I eventually found the right one and walked in. Part of me wanted it to be the wrong place or for them to tell me it was too late to sit down. Instead, someone pulled out a chair for me. 

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The only semi-realistic depiction of AA meetings is from watching Mom on Amazon Prime, and it was incredibly accurate. People sat in a circle, there were snacks and there were quotes on the wall. People shared their stories about the weekly topic, I shared about how I felt and then an old lady hugged me and offered me her phone number at the end. There was even hand-holding. 

That I was less of a fan of. 

What shocked me the most was that I wasn't afraid. I went there, said a few words, ate a couple of biscuits and left. I could have gone for a drink afterward, there are even beers in my boyfriend's apartment, but all I really wanted was a can of Diet Coke. 

The irony of that is not lost on me. 

I'm going to another meeting when I can. There's one on Thursdays that I can make it to this week and hopefully, I'll have Tuesday morning off next week so I can go again. It didn't make me feel like a massive drunk, it didn't make me want to drink, I just felt proud of myself for going. 

Which I guess is good enough. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess