A friend who is also a writer once posted on Instagram that, even if you don't want to write, it's important to do it anyway. Writing is like a muscle, and exercising it every day is important.
I don't feel amazing today. There's nothing specifically wrong but I've had a lot of side-effects from being on antibiotics for so long and I'm covered in fungal acne and have had really bad thrush for weeks. I had sex last night so painful I nearly cried and I'm altogether fed up with what comes along with long-term antibiotic use. Combine that with my fear of the two bills I have coming up towards the end of the month and I'm really just feeling out of sorts.
The main issue is the bills I have to pay. I say bills, one of them is a bar tab and I did attempt to go and pay it but I had problems with my debit card so I'm going to try and pay it again later on today. The other is a credit card direct debit that I'm more than capable of paying but am still nervous about missing the deadline. If I could pay the direct debit today I would, but the credit card company is in England, so I can't call them until Monday. There is no chance of these bills going unpaid, but I'm still uncomfortable having them.
As a recovering addict, every penny I had at the height of my addiction went on drugs and alcohol. What didn't went on "treating" myself to things I instantly regretted afterwards or ordering take-out when I felt unable to cook. Regardless of what I did, where I worked or how much money I brought home each month, I was still completely broke.
Because of this, as I've said before, actually having money makes me scared. I don't like it. I'm so used to it not being there that I feel stressed and uncomfortable when it is. I feel like I don't deserve it and constantly worry about its existence. Only when my bank balance is close to zero can I relax.
Thinking about it, a way of getting around this could be returning to a cash-envelope system I used. I started it last January and it worked pretty well until I stopped making the effort and began making excuses not to do it, but I think I'll give it another try. If my bills are paid but my bank balance is still zero, maybe the stress headache sitting on my eyebrows will go away. I'll be able to have money and relax.
I think this is what my friend meant when she said it's important to write even when you don't feel like it. 10 minutes tapping away at the keys and I feel calm again. Now all I have to do is find an ATM.
Stay safe on the road
Jess
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