I'm lying in bed at the moment feeling like a bit of a fraud. It's hot, I've done everything I want to do for the day and I really want to go to the pub for a beer but I know it's a bad idea. I also have greasy hair, no clean underwear and awful thrush. It's an easy fix but it's one I'm resisting all the same.
I'm feeling like a fraud because even though I've told myself that it's okay to completely start my writing career from the beginning, it feels like the experience I had never happened at all. I'm a good writer and have been working in my field for a long time, but if I don't get paid for my work I feel like it's not really work. I feel as if I'm not really a writer if I'm not being hired by someone to create content for them. Part of me knows that it doesn't matter if I'm paid or not for doing what I do as long as I keep at it, but the other part feels as if I'm not really a writer if I'm not on some form of payroll.
It also comes down to the fact that no one reads my work. I left Facebook a couple of months ago because I was sick of seeing pictures of friends getting engaged, married or pregnant when I was working in the same field I had been in since I was in my early twenties. I'm fully aware that everything on social media is fake, but the constant reminder that I feel like I'm miles behind where I should be wasn't making me feel any better. Because of this, I don't have a Facebook page to promote my blog on, although if I remember rightly my posts kept getting blocked when I tried to promote them in the past. The point is I feel like a failure because no one is reading my work, but I'm not sure how to promote it. That's another easy fix, I just need to learn.
The other issue is that the skill set required to find writing jobs has changed and developed since I last wrote for a living. I love words, and I'm good with words, but the vast majority of jobs that I have been finding now require you to have some photography, Photoshop or design experience and I just don't have any. I don't know if it works the other way around if designers are being asked for content writing experience, but it's something else I need to learn and I don't know where to start. Once again, another easy fix.
It's easy to dig your heels in when there are a million small reasons not to do something but eventually the problem needs to be addressed. I don't feel driven or successful unless someone is reading my work, but I don't have the skills or experience that are now needed to promote my work or make it more suitable for the current job market. The creative industry is always evolving and nothing makes me happier than being a writer. But I feel like I'm not really a writer if no one reads what I have to say. I feel like I'm just saying it and that it's not really true.
Everything that I'm feeling right now is an easy fix. All I need to do is wash my hair, put my laundry on the line so I have clean underwear for tomorrow and look for some online classes, but the eternal weight of money is also hanging over me. Do I have to be paid for my work for it to be valid? Does money have to exchange hands for my career to be viable? I've done enough unpaid work in my time to know that that's not been the case in the past, but things have changed and I now value my talents more than I used to.
I'm glad I picked January to refresh my thoughts, actions and attitudes towards my career, but the path I'm taking is proving to be a lot different than I thought it would be. Luckily my new boyfriend has turned me into a morning person, and unsurprisingly I'm getting a lot more done when I wake up at 7am instead of 2pm. I know what I need to do to restart my career as a writer and I know exactly how I'm going to do it, sometimes I just need to read my words myself to see what I really have to do.
Stay safe on the road
Jess
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