Mother dearest

My mother is anorexic and has been since I was a teenager. She skips meals, limits what she eats, and tries every trick in the book to convince herself and the people around her that she's healthy. In the whole time I've known her to be ill she's sought help once, a venture that proved fruitless because she soon ended up being hospitalised. 

She's had periods of health during this time, but none that have lasted very long. Anorexia is a very manipulative disease and those who suffer will do anything they can to gaslight you into thinking that there's nothing wrong. Her most recent one is sending me photos of the food she's about to eat, when I know full well the meal will hardly be touched. 

Recently things have gotten worse. She broke up with her boyfriend and one of the ways he squirmed his way back into her life was by joning her on a Couch to 5K programme. Since they've gotten back together her obsession with running has only increased. I call her and she's distracted by buying gym wear online, she boasts about her personal bests and even took part in a running event when she visited my brother at university. She's bone thin, and all she can say that she's is that she's the best shape of her life. 

It's not just her weight loss that's the problem this time, it's over-exercising. Something that she's never done before. I can handle symptoms that I'm used to, what I can't handle is things I haven't experienced before. Arthritis runs in our family and she's recently developed severe pain in her feet. She's been visiting the doctors and having multiple tests but she hasn't stopped running. She's so frail she had to hold on to my brother when they walked around his university town and she currently uses a walking stick. Sadly, however, she's still running. 

I've tried to find resources for children of parents with eating disorders, but they don't seem to exist. Support for the parents and caregivers of anorexics is abundant online, but I've been unable to find anything for when the situation is reversed. I attempted to join an over eaters anonymous group but was told I could only attend a Zoom meeting to "understand" the disease. I do understand eating disorders, I had one myself for years. What I can't understand is how I'm meant to deal with hers. 

If I'm honest, I'm over being worried about her. If she wants to starve herself to death then be my guest. What I am feeling is a combination of anger and jealousy. The jealousy part I will talk about in another post but the anger is pretty self explanatory. She's 65 years old, she needs to get her shit together. 

My brother even told me he'd suggested to his dad that she go to therapy. He simply told him she's not ready. It's been 20 years, I think we're passed ready by now. 

Aside from being incredibly manipulative anorexics believe themselves to be excellent liars. I took her to one of my therapy sessions once and she lied through her teeth. There is no accountability when it comes to this disease, and I am so over watching her manipulate the people around her for the sake of being thin. There's no being sympathetic, empathetic or understanding here. I'm over it. And I'm over watching my mum kill herself for the sake of a lower number on a scale. 

Stay safe on the road 

Jess