Insecurities

I'm feeling very insecure today. My boyfriend being away with his ex while she has his baby is hitting me harder than I thought. He obviously has to be there, I would think he was a total dick if he wasn't. But she still doesn't know I exist and that stings. I know it's not the case but I still feel like he's keeping me a secret and it's making me feel like he's ashamed of me. I know he's not but it doesn't stop the niggling voice in my head from telling me that he is. I get why he hasn't told her, he wants to get the stress of his daughter being born out of the way before he lets her know but I would feel a hell of a lot better if she 

Also, I'm not overly jazzed about the fact that he's with her. I'm not jealous of her as a person, for the most part, I love who I am and I know he'd be with her if he wanted to be. If you can take my man you can have him and I know he doesn't want that. 

But dude even I have my limits on how understanding I can be. 

Another thing I'm feeling insecure about it my career. I just want to write, it makes me happy, calms my down and fixes each and every problem in my head. Finding new work has been difficult though. The market has changed and there are skills I just don't have. I know this is an opportunity for learning and I want to learn, but going back to the constant cycle of what feels like begging people to let me work for them. The only job vacancy I've had a response from has sent me a writing task to do and I don't like working for free. I know beggars can't be choosers but my portfolio exists for a reason. I've done a lot of unpaid work in the past and I've put the work in. By working for free I'm telling people I don't value myself and the content I produce. I know I'm not currently making any money from my blog, but my blog is for me and me alone. 

Very few industries require you to work for free when you're trying to secure a job. And sadly I work in both of them. 

And once again there's also a money issue. I have $17 in my bank account and may have to pay back a charge fee which would make my account over drawn and cost me at least another $45. The reason for my lack of funds is a combination of not being paid properly and being bamboozled into paying $150 to have my IUD fitted next month so I have no control over the situation and I will get the money back. But for god's sake can I just not be poor for one week?

Stay safe on the road

Jess