It's a painful truth to accept but in any and every area of your life, no one owes you anything. You aren't owed success, empathy, forgiveness or acceptance. And that can be a hard one to get your head around.
I'm trying to remind myself of this as I spend my day writing before work. I'm searching for remote work and, although I have found finding work easier in the past, this just isn't the case right now. I'm not signed up to any freelance agencies, I don't even know if there are any freelance agencies in Darwin, and I'm not being sent briefs to work on weekly by an external company. In short, things aren't that easy at the moment.
I'm also having to face up to this in my journey towards getting sober. It's a sad but true fact that addicts are arseholes. We are not good people and are likely to hurt those around us and push them away. When you only care about getting high you don't realise how you are influencing those around you.
I have been trying to reach out and apologise to people I have hurt during my time as an addict, but not everyone is as forthcoming with acceptance as I would like them to be. Some people have been great, thanking me for my apology, others not so much.
The ones that haven't responded the way I wanted them to haven't responded at all. I am aware that they don't have to and that they are well within their rights to not want to talk to me anymore. Even though I'm doing my best to change, no one is obligated to forgive me. Some people I don't really care if I talk to them again, in all honesty, there was at least one person I was apologising to as a formality. But others I really miss.
One of the sad parts about getting sober is that not everyone is going to forgive you for how you behaved and how you treated them when you were an addict. Noone is blameless, and I've found it easy to get angry at people who turned their back on me when I needed the most support or who treated me badly themselves. Just because I'm working through this journey of apologising for my past actions doesn't mean everyone is going to be okay with that, and not everyone is on a similar journey of their own. I want the people I hurt to forgive me but sometimes they just don't, and I'm going to have to get used to that.
On the other hand, you also don't owe anyone anything. Yes, I have been taking time to say sorry to people that I've hurt in the past, but it's not essential. I want to, but I don't need to and I don't have to feel guilty for not doing something I don't want to do. I'm reminding myself that, although I'm on a journey towards sobriety, it's my journey and I can take whatever path I choose. Drugs, alcohol and borderline personality disorder may have controlled my actions in the past, but now it's my turn. And I'm going to do everything I can to heal and move forward. There's only so much guilt and regret one person can feel and I'm never going to rid myself of the self-hatred I feel if I don't remind myself of that.
Stay safe on the road
Jess
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