Ass Kicking

My BPD is kicking my ass at the moment, to the point that's getting to be unbearable. 

I haven't spoken too much about my condition on this blog. Although I plan to eventually. It's not exactly something that I manage well, but I do what I can by taking my medication and I've tried so many forms of therapy that that's going to be a post of its own. 

In the past I've said that I'm going through bad patches, but they've become so frequent that that I've come to realise I just have really bad BPD. My main symption since I stopped self harming is my mood swings. And recently they have become unbearable. 

Last month I was incredibly manic. I constantly felt as if I was being electrocuted and I was so hyper that bouncing off the walls doesn't even come close to describing my mood. Sadly, what goes up must come down and now I'm sat on my desk on the verge of tears wanting to go back to bed and hide under the covers. 

It doesn't help that I can see my ex-boyfriend's apartment from my window but that's not something that's going to change anytime soon. 

My BPD puts a block in front of my brain. I can't focus and when my mood tanks I feel as if I can't do anything at all. It took me 2 hours just to get myself into the shower last night and washing my face seems like an alien concept. Sleeping sometimes helps, but when I have a list of things I want to get done during the day I don't have time for a 4 hour nap. 

Outside of sleeping going to work has become a great help. Now that I have been promoted I have a lot more to do and so I can keep my mind occupied with daily tasks. I don't work every day though, taking on a second job isn't an option. And the fact that I'm not employed as a writer means I have no deadlines to work towards. Applying for work seems futile as I'm drowning in rejections and non-responses. I have so many things I want to get done but this thing in my head feels like its taking over. I don't want to be like this, but I don't see things changing any time soon. 

I hope they do though, because I don't want to live like this anymore. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess