This morning I had an inanimate object shoved into my vagina, and it fucking hurt.
Well, I say my vagina, I mean my womb. I had my IUD fitted and I have mixed reviews.
I unfortunately psyched myself up into thinking it would be awful, even though I've had one fitted before. This was when I was at university though and I've heard so many horror stories since then that it made me forget what the actual process was like. It wasn't even remotely pleasant, but it didn't kill me.
I had my first pre-appointment in October/November time last year. That wasn't the greatest. I paid $120 for a woman to read out a form to me. I did get an STD test at the same time, but I can get them for free at Clinic 34.
I initially wimped out when I booked the first appointment and didn't bother to reschedule. I thought I was moving to Perth. After my surgery caused me to cancel my flight and stay in Darwin for the foreseeable future I decided to rebook it. Not only because I knew if I didn't do it now I never would, but also because I spent 3 days on the pill to fend off my boyfriend's bionic sperm and turned into even more of a hormonal mess than usual.
I was also bamboozled this time. The woman I'd booked my appointment with called me just as I was waking up from a nap and asked me to pay over the phone. Had I been fully conscious I would have changed my mind, but given that I was still practically comatose I was unable to say no. It was done, the payment was sent. I had to go.
Unless of course, I wanted to lose $150 which I did not.
I booked the day off and prepared myself for the hideous event, psyching myself up by listening to Insane by Eminem which is a particularly aggressive tune. After confirming that there was no fucking way I was getting the bus, I hopped into my Uber and travelled to Family Planning.
By the time I arrived, I was over it. I just wanted them to shove it in and get it done. I signed in, chatted to a woman waiting for her daughter and awaited my fate.
The doctors were really nice. One of the reasons I was nervous about my previous appointment was that they told me a student doctor would be performing the procedure. Normally I'm open to anyone dealing with my medical history, but I did not want anyone who wasn't 100% qualified fannying around with my lady bits. I had to pay more than I initially planned but I definitely made the right choice.
I walked in and chatted to the doctor who'd be sticking the thing in. Last month I received a letter from the doctor saying I was due for a smear test, so I organised to have that done as well. If there down there they might as well do everything they need to. It's why I had another STI test while I was there.
You can never be too careful with these things, and I've had chlamydia so many times I could fill one of the stamp cards they give you at coffee shops that give you a free latte.
I took off my undypants, laid down, spread my knees and covered my cooch with a blanket. Why they thought I'd need it covered I'll never know. This woman was wearing a headlamp and looking into my womb, she was seeing everything I've got already.
I was very clear that I didn't want the "it's going in, take deep breath" treatment. I understand this can help some people but I didn't want to feel even more nervous than I already was. Insane by Eminem was helping once more but the only thing I heard was "slight pinching at your cervix" and that was more than enough.
Admittedly it didn't last that long. From shoving the speculum in to taking it out it only took 7 minutes. It felt like the longest 7 minutes of my life but it really wasn't that long. Don't get me wrong it was still incredibly painful, but nowhere near as bad as I'd convinced myself it would be. Besides, I've had anal without lube. Same thing different hole.
I felt a little bit faint afterwards so I was thankful that I'd had breakfast. They gave me a mint, I paid my fee and I booked my Uber home.
I'm pretty uncomfortable right now. The pain in my cervix didn't last but I've got pretty bad cramps. I changed out of my pyjamas, my outfit of choice for the event, and put on my biggest pair of pants and my most comfortable outfit. I'm also wearing the biggest pad known to mankind. Sexy? No. Necessary? Yes.
I'm trying to keep moving around to distract myself and I'm still going hard with the Eminem. I'm completely checking out from life today and giving myself cart blanche to do whatever want, even if that means inhaling a bottle of wine and falling face first into a $50 GYG order. All in all it wasn't awful, and I'd recommend it to anyone who screams like Tyra Banks during her "WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU" monologue in season 4 of America's Next Top Model every time they take the pill.
Seriously though, get your smear done at the same time. Any opportunity to limit the amount of time you have to spend with a speculum in your vajimjam should be taken.
Stay safe on the road
Jess
If you want to get your own bits checked out in Darwin, follow the links below.
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