I have absolutely no idea how I feel about my boyfriend being away. I mean I don't know how I feel about most things thanks to my BPD but this is different. This is a genuine issue that I'm 90% sure everyone would struggle with. But I can't work out what my issue is.
First of all, I miss him. I even started crying in bed the other day. I'm hoping he didn't see but subtlety and hiding my emotions have never been my strong point. I didn't want him to go, I wanted him to stay here with me.
Learning how to be in a stable relationship is difficult. I've never been able to do it because I've never been in one as an adult. Manipulative college boyfriends, 3-year situationships, physical and mental abuse, all of these have set me up for what might be a fear of stability. I'm also terrified of being vulnerable. Talking about my emotions feels weak to me. If I tell people how I feel I have to talk about it and that's not something I want to do. I need to keep my feelings hidden away because if I tell people how I feel they will think less of me.
We'll touch on the self-hatred later.
When he first went away I even messaged him asking if I was "allowed" to text him while he was gone, because his ex didn't know about me and I didn't want to cause trouble for him. I know he's not keeping me a secret, he's just waiting until after his daughter is born to tell her. I don't even know if I care if she knows about me or not, I care that he hasn't told her I exist because it feels like he's hiding me.
Another emotion I struggle to work out is jealousy. Which you would think would be one of the few constant emotions I feel as someone with BPD. I'm jealous of people's careers and successes, but I feel absolutely no jealousy towards this woman. I'm shallow as hell and she's about to pop out three kids. I know I'm more attractive than her.
I'm very happy my "why am I so ugly" phase is over. That's something I really need to write about.
I'm also on the fence about how I would feel if they got back together. It would suck to break up with him but if he wants to get back with her be my guest. What's that line? If you can take my man, you can have him, regardless of whether or not there's history there.
I could also be worried about the emotional aspect of them having another baby together. I've never had a baby, I will never have a baby, but even I know that it's an emotional experience. I'm not overly fond of the mental image I've conjured up of her holding her hand when she brought their child into the world. I don't know if this even happened, but the image is there all the same.
I also spent a few moments worrying that he was going to be looking at his ex-girlfriend's vagina while she gives birth, but then I realised they don't look so good immediately after having a baby so that feeling went away pretty quickly.
Stay safe on the road
Jess
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