The man who raped me is up for parole on the 12th of February and I couldn't put how I feel about this into words if you paid me. This feels like the 9 millionth time this has been scheduled and there's a good chance it will be cancelled and rescheduled again. But that doesn't mean that waiting to see if it's going to go ahead isn't a hoot and a half,
You'd be forgiven for thinking that the man that raped me is the person I hate most in the world. It's actually the cousin who left me homeless at 19, but it's pretty close. This man took fucking everything from me, and he keeps taking from me day after day. Knowing that there's even the slightest chance he can get out makes me feel sick. What do I do if he does get out?
My dad tells me not to worry, that he's not going to come and find me and I'm safe in Australia. I don't believe that for a second but I understand why my dad brushes it off when I try and talk about it. My mum just ignores it. I told her when the hearing was the other day and she just replied by saying she was at bible study. Apparently, her only daughter's safety is less important than reading a book about an imaginary man in the sky. I want to say I was surprised but I just wasn't.
My boyfriend said I can talk to him about it but I just can't. Does he really think I'm going to be able to pick up the phone the morning of the 12th and talk to him about how I feel when he's with his ex? The cunt doesn't even know I exist. How exactly am I meant to talk to him about how much I'm hurting when he's with her? What's he going to tell her? That a work friend is in trouble? After all, he did tell her we were just "hanging out".
He has until he leaves to tell her, otherwise, we are going to be having a very important conversation.
It was my fault I was raped. I got into that car and it ruined my life. Ruined my dad's life. Affected my mum, my nan, and even my brother. Oscar was never meant to know it happened. He was never meant to find out. But when I was told about the parole hearing my mum and his asshole of a dad had to tell him in case it was released in the media and he saw it. Oscar was 12 when this happened and because of me, he didn't get the support he needed when he was growing up. I fucked everything up when I was too disgustingly fat and lazy to walk home that I got into this man's car. I did this, this is my fault. There's no way around it.
I have no idea what's going to happen if he gets out. And he will. This is me we're talking about and luck has never been on my side. Will he try and find me? I can understand why he'd harbour a little bit of animosity towards me. Will he try and find my family? I have pre-emptively put restriction orders in place to keep him away from my mum and my dad's house but even they are pathetically small. I guess I could find out if I can put a restraining order in place, but what would be the point. People break those all the time.
I don't know how I'm going to feel if the hearing does go ahead on the 12th. I have even less of an idea of how I'm going to feel if he's paroled. I don't really know anything right now. But I do know that it was my fault, it will always be my fault, and there's no amount of talking that's going to change that.
Stay safe on the road
Jess
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