Monday musings.

Sometimes I think there's no point in me writing anything because no one reads what I have to say. I don't use Facebook anymore because my self-esteem is too low to repeatedly have to look at pictures of people I know getting engaged/promoted/pregnant, I don't make my own images so I can't post on Instagram and I don't really use Twitter that much. But I could. 

My current paid job is as a duty manager at the local bar. I really like my job, and I'm good at it. But I want to write. Writing is what I want to do, but pleading to companies to let me write for them makes me feel even more insecure. But I also have to stop using my insecurities as a reason to not do something. 

Right now I'm struggling to leave the house. Not in an agrophobic way, but because I just don't want to. I don't really have any friends in Darwin and so I have no one to spend any time with during the day. The only option I can see is going to work for a drink, but I don't want to drink. I want a sober group of friends, I want a sober community and if I got off my ass and went to AA meetings I could have that. I'm just making excuses. I'm good at making excuses for why I don't do things. I blame my BPD, I blame my insecurities and I blame my cocaine addiction when I should also be blaming my drinking. I hate myself so much right now, but it's difficult for me to find a reason now I'm not doing cocaine. I hate myself because I drink, but I can't do that anymore. 

I've lost a lot of friends because of my drinking and I know this. One of the people I've lost is someone who tried to get me fired but I feel like I can't be angry at that because I screwed up with my drinking. I feel like I can't be upset with someone for doing something when I've done something myself. I feel that I have to constantly apologise as I'm moving forward, and then I feel bad for wanting an apology myself. I feel like I don't have that right and that, once again, I'm making excuses. 

I'm taking myself out today, heading to a movie and then to buy new sheets after my friend worked in them as a sex worker. She also covered them in fag burns. My argument for not doing this was that I've smoked crack before, and so I can sleep on burn-covered sheets. But I don't have to sleep on ruined sheets. Once again I'm making excuses for not doing something. So today I have to leave the house, buy new sheets and stay sober. 

Three things. Not so hard.

Stay safe on the road

Jess