Flowers

I haven't written anything in a while because I feel like there isn't any point. I was doing well while I was staying at Jerren's, but once I moved back to mine, I lost my groove. I feel like it's stupid because no one reads my blog. I know that's not a healthy mindset to be in, but with my anxiety as bad as it is, it's where I'm at. 

I'm trying to get back into writing every day, and today I thought I'd talk about flowers. I love flowers, my name is Jessica Rose, and tulips are my favourite. I remember having an argument with my ex-boyfriend about his ex-girlfriend, and he bought me a bunch of tulips as an apology. His ex-girlfriend's name was Tulip, so it didn't do as well as he had hoped, but I still appreciated the sentiment. 

The first time my boyfriend, River, hit me was on my 29th birthday. My best friend sent me a beautiful bunch of flowers, and I remember sitting there after he'd attacked me, crying and looking at my beautiful flowers. The next day, he was sick and I spent all day looking after him. He told me he didn't remember what he did. 

He never did remember, or so he told me. The same way Dan claimed to never remember when he shouted and screamed at me, and my mum says she doesn't remember the awful things she said to me growing up. I've never really dealt with River and Dan's abuse. But it's something I should look into in the future. 

Since then, I haven't liked flowers as much as I used to. They'd always made me happy, but now, when I buy them, I feel sad. They just remind me of that night. How much I cried. How I felt when the man I loved attacked me. He recently started messaging me again, and at first, I blamed my drug use for how our relationship fell apart. For sleeping with Dan when we were together. I finally told him that the problem with our relationship was his hitting me. Hitting me and never admitting it. It was a big step finally telling him and blocking him, and it was hard as hell. 

Recently, I've been trying to take my love of flowers back. To not let that awful memory ruin what I once loved. Last week, I bought tulips that bloomed so beautifully in the Darwin heat, opening up in a way I'd never seen before. This week I have beautiful yellow roses, my favourite colour, with orange tips. I struggle with spending money on myself because of how guilty I feel about money and how I feel about myself in general. But if I have to spend $20 a week to take back something I used to love from the man that hit me, then that's $20 well spent. 

Stay safe on the road. 

Jess