Sobriety

I'll be perfectly honest, my sober journey has not been going well lately. March was okay, I managed up to 13 days sober, but since then, I have only been able to reach a couple of days at a time. 

I don't know why. 

It's not just drinking that's the problem, but black-out drinking. I was never blessed with self-control, but when it comes to drugs and alcohol, I have none at all. One drink, one line, one pill, be it illegal or prescription, and I'm done. The only drugs I don't abuse anymore are my medication, and that's only because I know they won't get me high.

Much of it has to do with having days off and living opposite a bar and bottle shop. When I have the day off, I'll instantly run over to get a bottle of wine. And then when I finish that, I'll get another bottle of wine. If my decision process continues to falter, I'll head over to my bar, start downing shots of whiskey and inevitably wake up the next day trying to piece together the night before. The only saving grace is that I haven't been waking up with strangers, and I've been waking up in my own bed. 

Another reason for my drinking is how I feel about myself. My self-esteem is at an all time low and my anxiety is awful. It's making me reflect on how I've treated people when I've been drinking/ how people have reacted to my drinking in the past. To some people, I feel sorry. To others, I feel exasperated and to some, I don't care at all. I had a friend who tried to get me fired and who would talk negatively about my drinking without any care at all. She was incredibly judgmental, and the last time I spoke to her, I told her she had no right to judge me. I walked past her the other day and smiled, and she looked at the floor. 

I didn't send the nicest reply in response, but I don't feel any guilt about that at all. 

I want to get sober. I want to stay sober. But I don't want to keep feeling guilty about things I have done in the past. A man at the most recent meeting I went to shared about how he doesn't feel guilty about how he treated his children while he was drinking after a "spiritual awakening". This leaves me straddling the fence. On the one side, I don't want to constantly feel bad about my actions, on another I don't feel guilty for some of them, and on another the majority of my issues with my mother are because of how she treated me in the past and so don't know if I can expect people to forgive my previous actions.

I've actually gone no contact with her recently and am feeling a lot better. But that's a post for another day. 

I know everyone's experiences are different, but I'm struggling to find my own perspective on this. I don't want to keep apologizing. I can't convince someone to forgive me, and there are some people I just don't feel any sympathy for at all. Some people, I just don't care about. 

This is opening a lot of avenues of questioning because I don't know how I feel. I don't know if I can move forward and stop hating myself, I don't know if I care about people's opinions, and I don't know how I feel about my own past when I hear about how other people are dealing with theirs. Everyone's journey is different, whether it's towards sobriety or something else. I just don't know how I feel about mine. 

I haven't had a drink since Monday, though, and that's pretty good going for a Friday afternoon. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess