Rambling

I've started writing this blog post about four times now, and I keep getting my words tied into knots. I'm not quite sure what to say, what's on my mind or even what I want to talk about, so things keep getting written and deleted repeatedly. 

This week has been up and down. I had a cleaning day on Monday and drank two bottles of wine, which made me feel bad, then I slept all day Tuesday and had a butterfly day. Wednesday, my anxiety was so bad that I nearly cried on the way to the library, but Thursday afternoon was absolutely wonderful. This, of course, meant that my evening shift was absolutely ridiculous, but Friday morning was productive, and I went out after work and laughed and sang and danced happily for the first time in ages. Yesterday was long and draining, and I made some mistakes, but today I've had a nice lie-in and I'm drinking my coffee and watching Law and Order before I start work at 4. 

Between the guilt, anxiety and euphoria, it's clear to see how my BPD is a daily part of my life. I used to think that sometimes I had bad BPD episodes when my moods were swinging like this, but now I'm realizing it's just a regular part of my condition. Yes, I take my medication, but that doesn't cure what I have or completely take away my symptoms. It just helps me to manage them a little better. 

At the start of the month, I made a deal with myself that I am allowed a bar tab at work, but only if I pay it off each payday. This has worked in my favour. It forced me to be accountable and pay my "bills" straight away, and now I've made it this far through the week without one, I'm confident that I will be able to get through without one at all. Waiting until the end of the month was taking a big chunk out of my wages and making it difficult for me to manage my money. By breaking it down weekly or not having one at all, I'm able to save more money in the long run. 

Tips at work have been good recently as well. People in Australia usually don't tip. Tipping culture isn't the same as when I was in Canada, and although it was difficult to get used to once I moved here, you accept it pretty quickly. I've made good money so far this month, though,h from customers winning large amounts on the gaming machines and TAB. I know this isn't going to happen every week, but I was so grateful to one person that I nearly cried. I believe in good karma and do my best to put positive energy out into the world where I can. I recently paid for a customer's rizlas so she didn't have to put them on a debit card on her birthday, and the universe sent me good tips in return. I'm not even remotely spiritual, but it's nice to think something is looking out for me. 

Most of my tips went on the brand-new monitor. My laptop is quite small, which makes it perfect for carrying around, but I was finding it difficult to read the screen. I didn't want to hurt my eyes, and it was putting me off sitting at my desk and so I bought myself a bigger screen from Officeworks. It was $97, I was able to pick it up that day, and now I have a beautiful writing space. It makes me want to sit at my desk so much more, and my desk is so much tidier. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess