I quit my job last month. Necessary, inevitable and if I'm honest, I was probably on my way to being fired anyway. All these things are besides the point, because right now I'm drowning.
To me, there are few bigger failures than being unemployed. A pickle because being unable to hold down a job is a common trait of people with BPD. I quit my job because it was stressing me out so much that I started self-harming and having panic attacks. Ironically, the feeling of failure associated with being unemployed, having no money and having to ask my parents to help me out is also making me have panic attacks and self-harm.
Not as much, but it's still happening.
Right now, I want to slice my arms to ribbons. I need to feel something, I need to see blood. But I can't. I want to self-destruct so badly. I want to drink, I want to scream. I want to work. I hate myself so much for not having an income, and I feel pathetic and like people are looking down on me. I only have 4 more weeks until my trip, but I swear to god if one more person asks how my job hunt is going, they're getting a used tampon in the post.
And then there's the trouble of having to be able to pay for my visa and for my rent when I get back. I had to get out of that job, but I also have to have an income.
My beautiful sailor told me to call him when I wanted to self-harm, but I can't do that right now. Partly because he's working and partly because it's so difficult to get people to understand. My self-harming isn't hurting anyone; it's not affecting anyone else. Especially now that I'm not working. So why can't I spend my afternoon watching my arms bleed? Why can't I do this when I want it so badly?
I mean, aside from the fact that I don't have any blades other than the ones I'd have to break out of the razors I use to shave my legs, and heating up a knife and burning myself didn't have the same effect.
For the most part, feeling pain calms me down. Cutting, burning, biting the backs of my hands, all these things bring me peace when I'm feeling stressed. I don't quite remember why I self-harmed for the first time, but I can remember a few of the reasons since then. Feeling fat, wanting to punish myself and when I'd had a fight with my mum and didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling.
My boyfriend didn't want to look at me after I did that one. It was a fun night.
BPD represents an inability to control emotions, and self-harming is one of the ways I attempt to control mine. I take medication, have tried countless types of therapy and try to do the obvious like exercising, distracting myself or going for a walk. Thing is, no matter how hard I try, nothing quite feels as good as cutting.
Writing this has helped me calm down a little. I'm still angry. I still want to cut, and obviously I'm still unemployed, but putting words to a screen has definitely taken the edge off. Yes, I could now fall down the rabbit hole of feeling like my writing is pointless because no one reads it, but hopefully I can save that one for another day.
Stay safe on the road
Jess
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