Last week was a bit of a washout. After drinking on Tuesday, sleeping all day Wednesday and going out again on Saturday night I haven't been following my husband's 2025 "don't fuck it up" rule as much as I should. Don't get me wrong I had so much fun on Saturday night, dancing to live music makes me happier than almost anything else in the world, but I have fallen off the wagon in terms of sobriety, regular writing and productivity and it's time to get to it.
I've also run out of clean pants.
My boyfriend and I also had an argument during the week. With the parole hearing coming up and him having just had a baby we're both tense, and it's difficult to express those emotions when he's so far away. Plus drunk me is even more honest than sober me.
I'm feeling a lot better this morning, and I'm more determined than ever to get back to where I was. Not going back to a second AA meeting was my first mistake, and although I can't make it to the meeting I first went to there are always other options. I could even go to a Zoom meeting if I wanted but I don't know how helpful I would find that. There's no harm in trying though.
Second up, writing. I loved being productive and writing/publishing every day but after missing just one day I got myself out of the habit. I'm never going to get back into writing professionally if I don't stick at it, so I need to focus on my goals.
Thirdly, give myself and my boyfriend a break. Not a Ross and Rachel "WE WERE ON A BREAK" break, although they totally were, but a break from putting pressure on us. We're both going through a lot, and neither of us could ever understand each other's situations. I've never had a baby, and he's never put a mass rapist in prison only for him to be eligible for parole. My being angry at him isn't helping anyone, and although I've discovered some boundaries I didn't expect and we have a lot to talk about when he gets back, nothing can be resolved when he's so far away. I'm anxious about calling him because he's very busy and we both have dramatically different schedules at the moment. Even if I wasn't, the conversation we need to have can't be had over the phone.
Fourth up is finances. Although I paid a good chunk of my credit card last week, getting it under $800, I also got a bit spendy and treated myself to some new skincare. This isn't a bad thing, after all, I need to remind myself that I do deserve nice things, but when I'm not budgeting for the rest of the week and having to borrow money from my parents it's all a bit counter productive. Although I definitely get a treat this week because it's Valentines day, one of my favourite days of the year, I need to go back to basics and start using my cash envelope system again. Working hard and being promoted is one thing but it's all a bit pointless if I'm still approaching pay day with less than $5 in my account.
And finally, chores. Like I said, I'm running out of clean pants.
Stay safe on the road
Jess
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