Support

Tomorrow is the parole hearing, and I am alone. 

My boyfriend is with his children, sleeping in the same room as his ex-girlfriend in the house his dad owns, that she lives in. My parents and best friend are thousands of miles away and I have no one here to support me. Asking for help and support is not something I'm good at, and even thinking that's what I want is a big deal for me. 

After the hearing, it will take two weeks for me to find out the result. From what I can work out there will be three further weeks where the decision is appealed/finalisd and if he does get released I will then be able to appeal. To put it briefly, this is going to take a while. 

I have to go to work today. I'm working a 9-hour shift and although I know it will be good for me to have the distraction all I want to do is hideaway. I'm still not feeling great, my relationship is taking its toll and there are so many things I want to say but feel unable to. I'm achy and tired and it's payday so I've been hit once again by my all-consuming fear of having money. Not to mention the side of self-hatred that comes when I think about my credit card bill, even though I'm pretty close to having it paid off. 

Luckily I have tomorrow off because if I plan to do anything more than hide under the covers I will definitely break. 

Another thing that I think will break me is if I don't hear from anyone offering their support tomorrow. I know everyone has their own lives but it's also 2025, people use their phones on the toilet. Sending a message of care takes seconds, and I don't know how I'm going to feel if I no one thinks to reach out to me. 

Well, I do. I'll feel even more alone. 

I'm trying to stay positive and to tell myself that he won't get paroled, I was his eleventh offence after all. But I'm also one of the unluckiest people in the world. My life is going to change more than I can put into words if he does get out, and there is a very strong chance of it happening. I'm not allowed to have any contact with him. I don't even know where he is. But if he does get paroled I have no idea how the rest of my life is going to pan out. Moving back to England has never been at the top of my bucket list, but given that I can't put a restraining order in place I doubt I'll even be able to visit. We have the same last name, he knows who I am. And I can see why he may harbour a little animosity towards me.

I have so much more I want to say about that night, but that's a post for another day. All I know now is that, after all these years, I really wish he would stop ruining my life now. 

And I wish my boyfriend was here to hold my hand. 

Stay safe on the road.

Jess