Saturday Scribbles

I feel like I've lost all my energy and motivation today. 

It started on Tuesday after I had my IUD fitted. I drank afterwards, which was a big mistake, and although I had fun on the day obviously Wednesday was a complete wash out. I slept, barely ate, and read in bed all day which isn't the worst way of hanging out but it still isn't productive. 

Since then I've struggled to get my motivation back. Forgetting to take my meds on Wednesday made me feel out of it for most of Thursday and I felt groggy from spending all day in bed. You could say that's a good thing, because it means my body is no longer used to bed-rotting. Although this didn't make me feel any better. Since then I've been achy, unmotivated, and had no desire to write or go to the gym. 

There's a 99.999% chance it's stress-related. Having an IUD fitted takes its toll on your body. I had an inanimate object shoved into my uterus and it's a very invasive and painful procedure. My day of nothing probably helped my body recover a little, but it's still only been a few days and my body has been through a lot. 

On top of this the parole hearing for the man that raped me is on Tuesday. It's been cancelled and rescheduled multiple times over the past 4 years, and I doubt it's going to go ahead this time, but it's very stressful for me either way. This has been hanging over me since Covid and, no matter how many times I tell myself he's not going to be paroled, it still causes me a lot of stress. I also don't feel great about the fact that I'll be alone if it does go ahead. It's a timing issue plain and simple but it's making me feel the way I did when I was in hospital. Worried, scared and upset about the fact that I'm going through this big thing without anyone here to hold my hand. 

Metaphorically and physically. 

I also feel like people are taking the piss out of me at the moment. Taking advantage. My boyfriend isn't replying to my messages and although I know he's very busy with his new baby but my head is still telling me that he's ignoring me. I feel like he's "having his cake and eating it too" by living the family life with his ex-girlfriend and children and having me waiting for him at home. I really want him to come home now, or at least book his flight so I have a vague idea of when he's coming home. This entire situation has really hurt my heart, and I want it to be over. 

My friend is already making me feel pretty used. I'm subletting my apartment to her while Jerren is away for a massively discounted price. I'm staying at his and she's been staying at mine since I went away. I feel like she's taking advantage though. When I went over last week she had rearranged my furniture, she'd been smoking inside which no one has done since the 2000s and my saucepan lid was being used as an ashtray. She even sent me a message by mistake made for her drug dealer looking for heroin. 

I had to ask her not do to skag in my home. I didn't think that's a message I would ever had to send. 

She's also been paying me my rent a week late and having a go at me when she didn't feel like I'd been empathatic enough. I know I need to tell her to leave but I'm so over people having a go at me and telling me that I'm a bad person I just want to ignore the entire situation until Jerren comes back and I have a reason to ask her to leave that doesn't involve her disrespecting me and my home so much. 

But, like I said, I have fuck all idea when that's going to be because my boyfriend isn't replying to my messages.

Oh de foof. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess