Secrets

On my nan's 80th birthday, we had a party. There were flowers, and long-distance family members and I wore a black spotty dress and a sparkly necklace. It was a lovely day but I remember the person I was messaging, the person I liked, telling me they didn't want to talk to me anymore. That they didn't want to "be" with me. 

I also had a fight with someone about drugs but that's another thing. 

I remember sitting on my bed crying, asking my mum why no-one wanted to be with me, and she said she didn't know. This was about 9 years ago now, and I still don't know. 

My family always made relationships look so easy. They were so pretty and everybody liked them. No one liked me, and even if they did they wanted to keep it a secret. This is how I'm feeling now, like someone wanted to keep me a secret. 

I don't understand why this has happened. Why this keeps happening. I have friends that skip happily from one relationship to another and yet it took 2 and a half years for me to find someone who wanted to be my boyfriend after Dan broke up with me. I know I'm hard work, I know who I am. But what I don't know is what I do to make people treat me like this. 

I've been hiding under the covers all day. I just feel sad. I've told my ex I can't be his person to talk to when he gets back and that he shouldn't have kept me a secret. I don't understand why he kept me a secret. Is there something so fundamentally wrong with me that I have to be hidden? Is it my BPD? Is it how I look? Is it my drinking or addiction? 

Borderline personality thinking is very black-and-white, it's one of the main characteristics. When I'm the one that keeps attracting these awful guys or being rejected all I can think is that it must be something wrong with me because I'm the common factor. I'm the one who keeps getting into these situations and because of that, it must be my fault. It is my fault. I am the one that people hurt. That people don't want to be around. That people keep a secret. 

I don't know why people do this. I don't understand. And if I don't understand, I can't fix it. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess