Marching forward

Last month was a wash out. With the parole review, breaking up with Jerren and a bout of mania that I'm still struggling with, nothing really went the way I wanted it to. And all the progress I made throughout January seemed to go by the wayside. Jerren is back now, I'm refocused on my sobriety and I've started taking some new meds that should hopefully help with my mood swings. 

Whether they do or not remains to be seen, but at least I'm trying. 

I need March to be different. In February I discovered that I have even less self-control than I thought. I am not a "just one drink" person. There is no type of alcohol I can have and put down. No pints of beer, no glasses of wine. If I start drinking, I don't stop, and I didn't make it more than three days without blackout drinking throughout the entire month. As a borderline I'm used to extremes and it's very clear to me that my all or nothing attitude applies to my drinking as well. I ended up eating too much, embarrassing myself, waking up ashamed and treating people in a way that really wasn't me. To keep my condition in check, I need to keep my drinking in check, and being completely sober is the only way I can do this. Especially with my new medication in the mix. 

I lost sight of my career goals last month too. As you can probably tell, I wasn't blogging as much and my motivation to write seemed to disappear. I read a lot, so I was still engaging with words regularly, but I wasn't writing my own. It boils down to the fact that I'm still feeling defeated by my career, and so I felt it was pointless to even try. But if I don't try I'm not going to make any progress. I also need to realise that writing things is not enough, if I want to be successful, I need to put my work out there. Applying for work and promoting my content is going to be my priority this month. 

Procrastination was also an issue. With problems with my relationship and the parole review taking over, I put off even the smallest of tasks until they built up and up and became overwhelming. Something simple like taking out the trash or doing the laundry became a mammoth task. If I take on tasks as they come, I can focus on what I really want.  

Whatever that may be.

Stay safe on the road

Jess