Time

A guest is staying in the hotel attached to my bar at the moment from Germany. Just outside Cologne. I told him about how much I love Berlin and he told me a story about how he stayed there when David Bowie released Heroes. He jokingly called my experience "Berline Light". Apparently it's his son's favourite place too. I had to agree.

When I was with Jerren, I thought I wanted to settle down. To be in a stable relationship and live a life where I finished work, came home to a cooked meal and had what I can only describe as boring but enjoyable sex day in day out. There's nothing wrong with this for some people, but my craving for excitement never went away. 

I've had an exciting life. Travelling the world, meeting great people and experiencing things some can only dream of. As I've gotten older I've been feeling like I have to let go of this. That wanting an exciting life is childish and I should be letting go of the life I really want. I feel too old to enjoy who I am and what I want and I need to realise that this isn't the case. I can have the life I want, I don't have to calm down, change who I am or let go of what I want. 

I've written a lot about craving excitement. About wanting to live my life how I wanted but being scared that my chance is over. That I couldn't do it anymore, that I wasn't allowed. When you travel a lot, people think it's a life of chasing waterfalls, dancing in storms and screaming from the top of your lungs out the windows of cars on road trips with your friends. For some people this is the case, but for me it's mostly been stress about money, visas and losing friends that move on to new places. I am so scared of having to move back to England that I'm ruining the time I have here. I am so scared of living the life I want because I don't want it to end. For so many years I couldn't even fathom the idea that I'd have a future. Everything was black. But now I no longer want to die and I want to have a future. I may be indifferent to living, but I haven't wanted to commit suicide in a very long time. I know exactly what I want, I want the exciting life I've had before, and I'm scared that I'm too old to have it. 

Ridiculous right? I can put a rapist in prison, but I'm terrified of fighting for the life that I want. 

I didn't work this hard to just exist. I didn't work this hard to be constantly afraid of debts. Of money. Of aging. Of not being loved. I might not know exactly how to get to the life I want, but I sure as hell know that I have to do something to get away from the life I have now. 

Stay safe on the road

Jess